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One Hundred Thirty Pounds Ago,

I shed my shell and Got My Wings!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Happy Birthday Boy



Today is Ruben's 30th Birthday. This beautiful balloon bouquet was sent to him earlier today from his girls. We took this picture and emailed it to them along with a thank you.

I miss them so much. It's been just over a month since we've seen them. It always seems to go that way. We see them for about six months out of every year. Everything gets really great and our weekends with them are the happiest times we have, then something always goes wrong and we go a few months without seeing them again. Ruben says it's his ex’s entire fault, but I wish he could see that yes, it is her fault for purposely trying to push him out of his kids’ lives, but he is the one that ultimately makes the final decision not to see his kids. Is hurting your children and ruining their childhoods really worth not having to deal with their mother that you hate so passionately?

Without trying to sound conceded, I was really the best thing those girls had within a few hundred miles. I'm the only one they have that actually cares about their mental and physical well-being. It's so sad to me that they have to grow up with two incredibly shitty biological parents that care more about making the other one’s lives miserable than putting their children first, a step dad that doesn't care for them and would rather pay a babysitter to watch them while he only watches his ‘real’ children, and a soon to be step mom that loves them more than anything in the world but isn't even allowed to call them because their mother resents that they actually love me back and wants to keep them away from me.

It’s difficult to deal with these feelings today. Last night should have been our legally scheduled dinner visit with the girls. I should have been able to see Lauren’s smile while her dad read a carefully hand-crafted birthday card, and heard Grace’s squeaky voice sing Happy Birthday to her daddy while I took pictures for our family photo album for Lauren to later help me put together. Something just doesn’t feel right without all this. It doesn’t feel right when I hear Ruben on the phone answering with, “I just don’t know Lauren; I can’t play your mom’s games anymore. This isn’t my fault,” when I know the question he’s answering is, “When will I see you again Daddy?”

At twenty, I know this is all wrong. Why is it so hard for a man of thirty to see? Will I be hoping for the same smiles, hugs and squeaky voices on this day next year? The ring on my finger promises my forever love and dedication to Ruben, as well as his children, how is it possible for me to hold up my end of the bargain when the children aren’t in my life to be loved? It hurts to be an adult who understands all this; I can only imagine being a child who doesn’t.

But, today Ruben has enjoyed his birthday, with or without them. Last night we saw an amazing movie and had a wonderful dinner. This morning we woke up holding each other and listening to his mother sing Happy Birthday into our answering machine. I took him to a nice breakfast and then we got grocery shopping done for his party tomorrow. It is also my mom'’s, brother'’s and cousin'’s birthday this weekend so we’re having a “"Together"” party at our home. It will be nice to be surrounded by family. I just wish Ruben's family was close enough to share his special day with us as well. They are in our hearts though, and this is one of many birthdays we will have with Ruben, I'’m convincing him of that more and more each day!

Got My Wings at 5:28 PM

2comments

2 Comments

at 12:12 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan: Dealing with divorce is so difficult. No matter how much you try, the angry feelings don't go away completely. Ruben may never get totally "past" it all, and may never be able to stand up for his rights as a father. The best thing that you can do is to love him and love the girls uncritically. Don't judge what he "should" have done. For him right now, he is doing the best he can. God is still working on us all and we all make choices based on where we are right now in our growth. The best thing you can do for the girls is to let them love their father as they are able and make each visit special. Don't focus on the hurt or the angry feelings. Focus on your strong love for him and for the girls.
Love, Angela B.

 
at 11:16 AM Blogger Ruben said...

Meg,

You always seem to never mention that all my rights have been taken away as their father. The pain of that hurts more than anything else. My ex wifes focus is only to get paid and neglect the children. You know all this...why do you make me seem so cruel? I love the babies and miss them with all my heart but I cannot ride the roller coaster set in motion by my ex wife. If I see them she destroys what I create with them and that hurts me. When I get depressed you hate to see me that way because it is a huge dark hole that it takes me forever to dig out of. I need to be happy while I can. I need to live while I can. This could bury our dreams and destroy our marriage. I love you because you would not just take our children away. I love you because you care for me. Nobody else really ever has. I want us to have a long life together. My past is gone now. I have only a future to offer to you.

 

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