One Hundred Thirty Pounds Ago,

I shed my shell and Got My Wings!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Somewhere Over the Wrong Side of the Rainbow

I don't know how old I was in this picture, but I do wonder what happened to this little carefree girl. Who would have ever thought that she would become who I am today? Did anyone look at her and know that she'd get molested at 11 years old, pregnant and forced into and abortion at almost sixteen, graduate high school a hear and a half ahead of schedule and dive head first into college to get a jump start on her career, only to be working two jobs and cleaning her mother's house once a week for extra money to pay bills while she struggles through one class each semester-still at the same junior college she started at- five years later, knowing that somehow it's all worth it while she loves a man who may or may not make it past the next two years?

Quiet houses make you think things you normally wouldn't. I'm going on just over an hour of sitting here alone on my couch. This is the first time I've actually had alone in my home in almost a year. I used to love time alone more than anything; I needed it to stay sane. I enjoyed being with just me. Cleaning, sewing, baking, doing laundry, writing, reading, watching movies...I could occupy myself contently for hours, days even, without another living soul. Since Ruben stopped working I don't get time alone anymore, at all. There is never a time when I'm home and he's not, except for the occasional 10 minute trip to the corner store to get milk or ice cream. I'm sure you're thinking this can't be true, there's got to be at least a little time or one day where he's had errands to run, but there isn't.

Just over a week ago I actually had the nerve to complain about this. Ruben and I even sat and tried to figure out what we can do so that I can get some time alone at home. We came to the conclusion that perhaps he could take an evening class next semester purposely on a night I don't have school. That would give me about three hours to myself one night a week. Now, I wonder. Have I gotten so used to not having that time that I now don't know what to do with myself without him? This afternoon we watched a movie together. He gets so easily tired, even when things don't take any energy, like cuddling for a movie. When it ended he asked me if I'd be ok with him taking a nap. I could tell he felt guilty asking; normally he naps while I work so we can spend time together in the evenings. I could also tell how incredibly exhausted he really was, because he didn't even take with him the new book he's lost himself in. Normally, even when exhausted, he always reads even if just for a few pages to get his body to relax and calm down, but "Tuesdays with Morrie" lies next to me on our coffee table still while he's in our room sound asleep.

When he went to lay down I almost felt a burst of excitement. I made a nice big cup of hot tea and as I walked into our living room it hit me that I didn't know what to do with myself. I sat and stared into space for a good twenty minutes, only my space was our closed bedroom door he lays on the opposite side of. Then, I began writing here. I'm lonely, almost sad now. All I can think about is the smile that will be on my face when I see him open that bedroom door. Perhaps the depressing sound of rain on the roof of the porch and wind rattling the windows doesn't help. Hector helps a little. It's amazing what the love of a little puppy can do for you. Is this loneliness without my partner another side of love, or just a dependency I've let myself fall into? I miss the cooking, baking, cleaning, movie watching, and sewing part of me. I also miss the dedicated academic over achiever that started college so many years ago. I need to find me again. I need to find me and figure out how to balance it with loving Ruben. I want both, not just one or the other. Am I asking too much, for my cake and eating it too? I feel like I just want to give so much to Ruben incase he doesn't make it through this battle. I want to know I gave him all of me to enjoy. But, while I keep thinking this way I'm telling him each day to only live for today, one day at a time. Am I doing this for myself? Maybe I need to listen to my own advice. It would be unfair of me to keep living this way now that I've realized what I've done to myself.

Got My Wings at 6:51 PM



at 11:14 PM Blogger Ruben said...

This was really very hard to read. I think I feel the opposite about my life as you do. I mean, after I stopped working I realized my love for books, music, long walks, the rain, flowers, beaches...I could go on for hours about the new side of me that I love so much.

All I ever did was work...work...work and I think that was a big factor in the failure of my first marriage. I'm not sure what to say here...I love the woman that I am in love with. I love everything about you. But, if you are not happy with you, you need to do something to remedy that.

I would be the first person to tell you to put a bandage on your soul before your life bleeds out of you.

I hate being sick and I hate knowing that I could lose this battle but I would hate myself forever if I made your life unhappy. Tell me what I can do to help you. What do you need from me? We need you to work and you want to finish school so what happens in the meantime?

If you are unhappy we have to make some changes...quick. What can I do? baby, I love you.

at 6:23 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan, The parts that you miss right now are still there inside, but it sounds like your current priorities are different. Ruben's idea is a good one. It might seem strange at first to have those few hours, but the space will give you some time to do some of those things you think that you want to do. Do you find it a strange coincidence that you start out talking about being abused, then go into how busy you made your life (and what an overachiever you were)? I wonder why you seemed to make that connection?

There will be time in the future to meet those academic and job-related dreams. Ever thought of being a writer???
Love you, Angela B.

at 6:34 PM Blogger bookwormaddict said...

O.K. Megan how I came across your blog I'm not sure, but for some reason I picked this partiuclar post to read and well I want to cry. I can't imagine what either you or Ruben are going through. I know things must be tough. It's hard for Ruben to not be able to work, so you have to work to help out, and yet you want time to yourself. I know the feeling. I used to want time to myself, but then when I do have it I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I don't do well having lots of time to myself.
I will keep you and Ruben in my prayers.


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