One Hundred Thirty Pounds Ago,

I shed my shell and Got My Wings!

Monday, April 11, 2005

2 Years...And Counting

Isn't it odd how two people who swear to be soul-mates can view life so differently? Yesterday marked the two year anniversary of when Ruben and I were told he had a terminal liver disease and may not make it more than another 2-3 years before needing a liver transplant, which he doesn't qualify for until five years due to also having cancer. Some news, uh?

The last two years have been quite the struggle with him. Definitely nothing I would ever regret, but quite the challenge. There have been on and off battles with depression, anger, denial, blame, and even acceptance that peeks out every so often...all of the things that all "the books" tell you should come with this type of news. I can honestly say that I could never imagine what it must be like to be in Ruben's shoes, but I truly believe it's almost more difficult to be in the shoes of the spouse or significant other. The patience that I have had to endure has sometimes been the most difficult times of my life. If what they say about patience being a virtue is true...I've got enough to go around for everyone! Yesterday though, I toed my border line.

Last year on this day we took the opportunity to celebrate! We left the kids with his parents and went out for a romantic dinner and a visit to the local casino. We celebrated that we had come this far and made it through so much and we vowed to never stopped fighting through the upcoming year. Since then, we have struggled and battled through more trials that I feel we've overcome and are worth (again) celebrating. We also got engaged, and by this time next year we plan to be married. We had spoken earlier in the week about what we would do this year to celebrate. After all, when you are told that you're dying, isn't each year that passes that you're still alive something to celebrate?

Instead, Ruben took yesterday as an opportunity to mope. With all my might I tried to be understanding. I tried to see his side ~ that although he's grateful to have made it this far, it also means that count down to the time he was given is closer to an end. But, I just can't live my life in the negative, pessimistic, shoulda-coulda-woulda-maybe way that he does. I was doing okay...really. Until, I was in the kitchen trying my hardest to make him a meal that he'd love and enjoy and all I kept having to listen to were the sounds of sad, depressing songs coming from the computer.

Lonestar's, "I Believe."
Garth Brook's, "If Tomorrow Never Comes."
Travis Tritt's, "Tell Me I was Dreaming."
And Darryl Worley's, "If Something Should Happen." - Which he went on and on about having to email a copy to all of his friends as a way of asking them to look after all the things he cares about when he's gone.

Today even, they are still stuck in my head driving me insane. Don't get me wrong, they are all good songs. But for someone to sit and torture themselves to tears is beyond me. I was amazed that the only song not played was Tim McGraw's, "Live Like You Were Dying." By the end of the evening we argued over who was going to do the dishes. No one I know even likes doing dishes - what a stupid thing to argue about. Like kids..."No, I wanna do the dishes...no, leave the kitchen, I want to do the dishes." There was no compromising to do them together. He did the dishes. I just left. I couldn’t sit there anymore. I came home around 10:00 and he was already in bed. When I left for work this morning, he was still asleep.

Got My Wings at 11:15 AM



at 12:13 PM Blogger Ruben said...

Interesting thoughts. Yesterday was a day for me to reflect. The clock is ticking here and I am scared. It is hard for me to know how to feel at this point. And also...Diamond Rio sings, "I believe."

at 4:37 PM Blogger Regular Cinderella said...

Darryl Worley’s, “If Something Should Happen.”

Damn, that's a tough song. I almost drove off the road once because I started crying when I was listening in the car.

(((Hugs))) to you both. I truly can't imagine what you're going through.

at 11:36 AM Anonymous Denise B said...

Hi Megan, I got this from one of our WLS group.. Is it Rubens fear of death, or fear of missing out? both are hard.. its the unknown..thats whats scary, but you'll both come through this..You always do!

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave
the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know?" the man asked. "You, a Christian man, do
not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other
side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he
opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on
him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was
inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and
when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little
of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing .
I know my Master is there and that is enough."


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