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One Hundred Thirty Pounds Ago,

I shed my shell and Got My Wings!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

My Hero

A few weeks ago Ruben wrote about me being his Super Hero. If he only knew that he is mine as well. Isn't it funny how two people can feel the same way about each other? This picture is of Ruben with a cousin of mine, pretending to be strong and "Super Hero-ish." But, this is how I really see him all the time. He is one of the strongest men in the world....just not so much in the muscle department. He is strong in the heart and mind, even when he is scared and doesn't want to be strong. He amazes me everyday. He says he's that way because of me, but really, he inspires me to keep encouraging him.



Now don't get me wrong, neither of us are by any means perfect...we're far from it. There are days when he frustrates me too, and I know I do the same to him. There are days when we nit-pick and argue, sometimes even about his health and mostly about our finances; but every night we go to sleep in each others arms and we always make sure to never go to sleep angry. My parents instilled that into me. Mostly because if you go to bed angry at each other, there's no telling what will happen to you in your sleep...ha ha! No really though, they've taught me that's a key to a good relationship.

Anyway...back to the Hero story. Last Friday Ruben gave an inspirational speech to about 500 members of the Modesto Junior College Staff. He spoke about his disease and not about over coming it, but about dealing with it. He was great. Naturally, a little nervous at first, but by the end he seemed like a pro. He belonged up there, just like he thinks I belong in a class room. He needs to find a way to do this for a living. Not to profit from his disease, but to help others get through their problems (whether they be as severe, or not, or worse). Every one comes to this world with a calling, and I think he's found his. It only took him 30 years. I don't think that's too bad at all. I know 60 year olds who are still looking.

Got My Wings at 8:55 PM

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Today, I Ate

Today, I ate. I ate my feelings down for the first time since my weight loss surgery and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for not having the willpower to just "say no!" I felt like I let myself down, but more importantly, Ruben.

At 1:00 pm a nice woman came and took Ruben back into the doctor's office to get ready for his procedures. My dad was there with us for support. Ruben's procedure was to begin at 1:30 and take about an hour and fifteen minutes. I've only gone though these with him a dozen times or so, but the butterflies, dizziness and racing heart never get better with each time. At 1:20 I walked my dad back to his vehicle. He had to leave for work. At 1:35 I wondered to the hospital gift shop to try to keep my mind off of things, and by 1:42 I was in the cafeteria.

By 2:00 I was sitting under a beautiful old tree outside and I had finished two ice cream bars (a strawberry shortcake stick and a chocholate/carmel drumstick) along with two cookies and washed them all down with a soda. When I started with the Strawberry Shortcake, I felt no guilt at all. When I opened the Drumstick I told myself that I should not be doing this. Then, I decided I'd only pick the nuts off the top. Then, it was gone too. Through every bite of the cookies I cursed myself in my head. I was sitting two feet from a garbage can, but could not make myself get up and throw everything away. Afterward, I looked at the pile of wrappers and sticky ice cream stick in my hands and prayed to God that the sugar would make me sick and teach me my lesson, because I absolutely deserved it. But, nothing happened.

I went back into the hospital, up the elevator and toward Ruben's waiting room. I was there twenty minutes before they called me back to be with Ruben in recovery. He hadn't been able to eat for nearly two whole days before his procedure. I told him I had bought him two cookies to hold him over until I could get some food in his system. They were really just the only two left from the 4-for-a-$1 special in the cafeteria that I had forced myself from eating.

Got My Wings at 5:02 PM

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Luau Time!

Ruben and I decided to have a get together for everyone in our wedding party because very few of them have ever met before. I think it only makes since that if a group of people have agreed to stand up for us at our wedding, that they should know each other a little better than only meeting at the wedding shower and ceremony rehersal...right? So, we are throwing a Luau! I know the typical Luau stuff like Flower Leis and Hula skirts and Tiki torches. But, I need some other unique ideas....anybody got any????

Got My Wings at 7:14 PM

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Friday, August 12, 2005

Life Just Keeps Going

Well, I stopped posting again because after I changed my blog template quite a few of my new posts just disappeared (and they were one's I really wanted to save), so I got a little discouraged. But, I've felt the urge to write lately and figure this is the best place to do it.


When it rains, it pours...doesn't it?!? I'm trying to complete school so Ruben and I can move and start our lives. After my parent's party took a huge toll on us, I thought things would go back to normal. But, I had to cut my work hours to take a summer school class and for the last two months I've average bringing home about $700.00 per month. Our portion of rent is $400.00, so I've had $300.00 to cover gas, food, a car payment, credit card bills and utilities. Being that the car alone is $150.00 of that $300.00 and I have to be able to feed us and have gas to get the job that pays me that little amount, all of my bills have been going unpaid. We have credit collectors calling daily and they are driving poor Ruben insane while he tries to rest every day, and we just got a pink slip threatening to shut off our water and sewage service. Plus, Ruben's insurance just stopped giving us any financial aid for being low-income. Last week one trip to the doctor's office cost us $80.00 in co-pays, and a test he is having next week will be another $50.00. On top of that, the $80.00 last week got us to the conclusion that Ruben's cancer may be out of remission and tests are now beginning. Liver testing isn't doing too great either, so he's scheduled for two procedures next week with his gastro-interoligist. If his cancer is back, his chances of ever qualifying for a liver transplant go to zilch.


I haven't had blood work done since my surgery. I tried to at first, but my surgeons office kept canceling and rescheduling my appointments while they were merging with another doctor. Now that they want to get me in and promise to follow through, I can't afford to take off work. Ruben is getting worried about my health. I'm 16 pounds from my surgeon’s goal and I haven't lost weight in months. Actually, I've gained a few pounds, and that scares me. Between summer school and work I've been averaging about 3 hours of sleep every night for weeks. And while my dad's cancer is gone, he's now been diagnosed a Diabetic. Don't get me wrong, I'd take that over cancer. And while they were benign, my mother just had several lumps removed from her breasts. This isn't the first time. One time, someday, they'll be malignant. I just know it. Ruben's mom keeps having seizures and now has an appointment this month at UCSF for testing or something. I'm trying so hard to be strong, but it's killing me not to be able to fall apart.

Got My Wings at 2:59 PM

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