One Hundred Thirty Pounds Ago,

I shed my shell and Got My Wings!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Today, I Ate

Today, I ate. I ate my feelings down for the first time since my weight loss surgery and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for not having the willpower to just "say no!" I felt like I let myself down, but more importantly, Ruben.

At 1:00 pm a nice woman came and took Ruben back into the doctor's office to get ready for his procedures. My dad was there with us for support. Ruben's procedure was to begin at 1:30 and take about an hour and fifteen minutes. I've only gone though these with him a dozen times or so, but the butterflies, dizziness and racing heart never get better with each time. At 1:20 I walked my dad back to his vehicle. He had to leave for work. At 1:35 I wondered to the hospital gift shop to try to keep my mind off of things, and by 1:42 I was in the cafeteria.

By 2:00 I was sitting under a beautiful old tree outside and I had finished two ice cream bars (a strawberry shortcake stick and a chocholate/carmel drumstick) along with two cookies and washed them all down with a soda. When I started with the Strawberry Shortcake, I felt no guilt at all. When I opened the Drumstick I told myself that I should not be doing this. Then, I decided I'd only pick the nuts off the top. Then, it was gone too. Through every bite of the cookies I cursed myself in my head. I was sitting two feet from a garbage can, but could not make myself get up and throw everything away. Afterward, I looked at the pile of wrappers and sticky ice cream stick in my hands and prayed to God that the sugar would make me sick and teach me my lesson, because I absolutely deserved it. But, nothing happened.

I went back into the hospital, up the elevator and toward Ruben's waiting room. I was there twenty minutes before they called me back to be with Ruben in recovery. He hadn't been able to eat for nearly two whole days before his procedure. I told him I had bought him two cookies to hold him over until I could get some food in his system. They were really just the only two left from the 4-for-a-$1 special in the cafeteria that I had forced myself from eating.

Got My Wings at 5:02 PM



at 1:02 AM Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, you messed up and you're not perfect. Now get over it and don't do it again:-)!! If you obsess over this, you will find yourself falling into the "guilt hole." That's the food addiction's hold over your brain and your heart. I feel for you, because I've been there a million times and you know it. You can get back on track by remembering that it's okay to just sit and cry!!! We love you and we love Ruben. You can let it out, dammit, not shove it in....Have faith!
Love, Cousin Angela

at 9:53 AM Blogger Zette said...

We all slip up sometimes. Facing it head on and deciding to do better next time is better than letting yourself get swallowed up in guilt and hiding what you did. You're a very strong young woman and I know you'll be ok.

Perhaps next time you find yourself in this situation you can call someone, ANYONE, and talk thru it before you eat something you know you shouldn't. Keep your head up; you have LOTS more to be proud of in comparison to this little setback!

at 2:22 PM Anonymous Ruben said...


I could not deal with you getting sick or ruining your surgery. Back to low carb, sugar free we go :-)

Here is a prime example....

I cannot drink. It could hurt me badly or even push my liver over the point of absolutely no return. So, I don't drink because I promised you that I would be healthy. You have an eating disorder still even after surgery.

The surgery did nothing mental to curb that. That is your job. I don't drink because I don't want to die. Food can kill you, make you sick...whatever.

I need you...millions of kiddos need you. Hector needs you.

I love you and desire to be with you healthy!

at 8:35 AM Blogger Shannon said...

My husband, my hero, always reminds me 'It's not what you do some of the time, it's what you do most of the time. Pick up and start over, it's in the past and don't beat yourself up over it!' This really works on so many levels for me! Glad I found your blog, I'm having fun reading!


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